You're earring is so big in my mouth
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
