I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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