I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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