No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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