these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
My Higher Power is John Stamos
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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