She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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