Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
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