For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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