but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Randomize
