I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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