My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
