i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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