i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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