We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
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