he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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