I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
