right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
