i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
