I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
