11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I skipped work to stalk him.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
The feeling are messing with the penis
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
