My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Randomize