You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
