Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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