i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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