my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
im on a boat
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