my phone needs a breathalizer
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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