He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
