I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
