Only a mothe r could love this liver
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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