Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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