Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
