When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
