Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
