I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
