happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
