his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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