Do you still have your period?
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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