I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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