I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
