put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
i want to swaddle you in tequila
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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