im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
