Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
