im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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