Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
