College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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