Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
