someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
