I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
