can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
