sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Randomize
