the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
