I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
that is very illegal...i love you.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
