Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
