Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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