i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
