i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Just pee around me
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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