Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize