My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
