Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Randomize
