Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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