I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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